Vice President of Investor Relations, West Pharmaceutical Services
Beat bullying with kindness | John Sweeney | TEDxYouth@StPeterPort
As humans, we spend our lives chasing perfection, when in actual fact, perfection is being comfortable in our own skin and being happy with exactly who we are.
The damage that’s being done through bullying is irreversible. It’s costing us lives and people’s sanity throughout the world, and it needs to stop now.
Instead of creating anti-bullying programs, let’s remove the negativity and start focusing on a kindness curriculum: kindness in schools, kindness in the workplace, kindness at home, kindness to ourselves, and in every walk of life.
John Sweeney is a social entrepreneur and kindne...
About John Sweeney
In a 2016 TEDxYouth talk, John Sweeney, Vice President of Investor Relations at West Pharmaceutical and founder of the "Suspender Coffees" social movement, spoke about his experiences with bullying. Sweeney stated that he was bullied by teachers and other children during his school years, describing an incident where a teacher punched him in the back and another where students held his hands while one karate-chopped his throat, which he said nearly killed him. He said that being bullied "stays with you forever" and that he thinks about it every day. Sweeney advocated for replacing anti-bullying programs with a "kindness curriculum" in schools, workplaces, and homes. He argued that "bullies aren't born — they're raised," attributing bullying behavior to factors such as a strained home life or abuse. Sweeney cited the deaths of several young people by suicide after bullying and said that "kindness... can change lives and even save a life." He described himself as the founder and Chief Kindness Officer of a global social movement called "Suspender Coffees."
Transcript (17 segments)
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John Sweeney0:11
The perfect talk, a lot of people try to wear the perfect clothes, a lot of people try to have the perfect phone. Everything I do is not perfect, but you know what is perfect? Each and every single person in the room. So rather than giving a talk that's been rehearsed, I've decided to freestyle it. One of my volunteers pretty much put my slides together, so I'm just going to speak about what comes to my mind. I'm going to speak from the heart. So you might be wondering why there is someone with so much gray hair speaking at a TEDx Youth event. The reason why is because for a large period of my life I was beaten.
So one of my teachers once punched me in the back, and when I went home, the print of her engagement ring would have been on my back. If I got my colors wrong, I would have been hit. That happened a lot because I'm color blind. They only discovered it two years later. As well as that, another teacher, if I packed my bag too early or if I was talking or being disruptive, which I kind of did a lot, he would have literally beat me. So other kids in the school quickly copped on that John was somebody you could pick on, so I started to get picked on by other kids. One particular day I went into school and some of those kids held my hands behind my back while another one karate chopped me in the throat, and it nearly killed me. I was rushed home to my mother. I went to hospital, and the next day or the day after, and I only found this out I think it was three or four days ago, my mother asked the local principal why I was being beat up at school every day, why I was nearly killed, and she asked him to please make it stop. So what he said to my mother was, 'I'm afraid I can't do anything about that, Mary, because I'm friends with the kids who are beating up your son.'
So I went into secondary school. Thankfully I left primary school. I went into secondary school and got on great. Nobody really knew what happened. Fresh start. Everyone liked me. Got on really good. I was always making people smile, making people happy. Because loads of the kids got expelled, some got suspended, and everyone at school said I was a telltale, even though I didn't tell anyone. And pretty much every single person in school stopped talking to me. So teachers didn't really support me, but they dealt with it in a way much better than my previous school did. So I was left with no friends. I remember being in lunch having no one really to talk to except myself. I have some great conversations with myself, as my wife will tell you when she wakes up at 3:00 in the morning. She's like, 'What the heck are you doing?' So I quickly realized that I didn't really fit in all of a sudden, and I felt like I wasn't wanted. Anytime I walked into a room, people walked away. Nobody wanted to hang around with me.
I always knew I wanted to work with people. I always wanted to leave someone better than when I found them. Always knew it. So she said, 'John, you're not really that well educated. You've missed loads of school. I think you'd be better off leaving school and becoming a plumber.' Which I did. And so I always say to people, it's a really bad decision for me, but also really bad for the poor people's homes I flooded because I was a terrible plumber for eight years actually. So to give you an idea how bad, my wife does the plumbing at home. And this morning, which happened exactly at TEDx last year as well, this morning I had to ring reception to ask them how I could make the hot water hotter in the shower because it was really mild. And they were there, 'You just push the button and turn it a little bit further.' Okay.
I used to be a coffees which has positively impacted the lives of millions of people. I told you I didn't practice this, so I don't know what I'm going to say next. But I think what I will say is that for me, we're all kind of pressured into being perfect. We're all pressured into believing we need to be someone else, we need to look like this person, act like this person, run around like this person. But we don't. We need to be who we are. We need to celebrate our individuality. We need to be confident in who we are. And we need to not be afraid. And we need to not bully people. And we need to not stereotype. And we need to be kind, which is a pretty cool thing to do. So some of my slides, which I'm going to go really quickly through because I have something else that I...
Who maybe don't know the actual term is repeated, persistent, and aggressive behavior intended to cause fear, distress, or harm to another person's body, emotion, self-esteem, or reputation. Being bullied stays with you forever. It stayed with me forever. There is not a day goes by where I don't think about what happened. So Lady Gaga has a quote there which I think: being bullied is far worse than being hit by someone. The power of words is far more reaching and has uncalculated risk involved. So I've always been terrified about what people say about me, about what they think about me, about what they tell people. But not anymore. But it still carries with me like a massive weight on my shoulders. All my life I've carried it. So I always say to people, you really need to be careful with your words.
Six feet tall, overdosed on painkillers. 14-year-old Hannah Smith, taunted online, hung herself in her bedroom. 15-year-old Natasha McBride received an abusive message on social media and threw herself under a train. These are people. And some of us are doing this. Some of us are causing this to happen. So there's bullying everywhere: in education, relationships, politics, the workplace, social groups, friendships. Sometimes bullies are disguised as family. Sometimes friends pretend to be your friends, but they're not. They just...
Counseling in high school. That's what built my character. That's what makes you who you are. When you get made fun of, when people point out your weaknesses, that's just another opportunity for you to rise above it. So you can rise above it. And for me, the time I rose above it was when I believed in myself and when I stopped worrying about everyone else. And I said, 'You know what? Sod it. I'm going to be who I am and I don't care anymore.' Well actually I do care, but I'm not going to let it dictate my life. I'm going to be who I want to be. Demi Lovato: people say sticks and stones may break your bones but names can never hurt you. But that's not true. Words can hurt you. They hurt me. Things were said to me that I still haven't...
Different is a quote that he says. He said, 'When I was 16 years old, I tried to kill myself because I felt weird. I felt different. I felt like I did not belong. And now I'm standing here. And so I would like for this moment to be for that kid out there who feels like she's weird or she's different or she doesn't fit in anywhere. Yes you do. I promise you, you do. Stay weird. Stay different. Like we should celebrate our quirkiness. Never let a single soul tell you who you can't be. You can't be exactly who you are.' Bullies aren't born, they're raised. So there's a reason why people bully. Quite often it's because they're being bullied themselves or something's wrong.
Kindness: the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate, and loads of other things. Cinnamon, whatever that means. I didn't stay in school that long. Beat bullying with kindness. So Ellen DeGeneres, as I like to call her, is a massive hero of mine. And I'm going to have coffee with her someday, I guarantee you that. So she got an award recently which said, 'It's a little strange to actually get an award for being nice and generous and kind, which is what we're all supposed to do to one another. That's the point of being human.' Kindness is something that we should all have. That's an inequality that we all have and we all need more of that out there. So a couple of people this week, I've been in Galway all week. I've been up to a whole host of mischief. Some of you may or may not have heard of it.
I said, 'Okay Mark, that sounds brilliant. I'm going to come.' And we started by being kind to people. We started by talking to people. We started by asking people what made them happy. Did loads and loads of kind things. People have been very friendly to me since I've been here. So I think somebody mentioned banter earlier. So banter is a word which is kind of thrown around the place. So it's good to have banter, as I've had with some of you guys. So pretty much every school I've spoken at, every person I've spoken to while I've been here has asked me to say number three. So if I had a pound for every time I got asked to say number three, I would have 333. But that's friendly. But when somebody decided to say that what we...
Pulled over by the cops because we did like drive-by kindness, which effectively means you stop in the middle of the road and you hand out chocolates, flowers, and cards to people walking along the street, tell them they look wonderful. And then the cops pull up and they're like, 'You can't be doing that, John. You know, we've seen the videos. They're talking about it in the office.' And I'm like, 'Would you like a chocolate?' And he said, 'No, I don't want a chocolate.' So I threw a load of chocolates at him and he very kindly accepted it. So we were getting up to loads of mischief. I was in a room when something amazing happened the other day. I can't go into details because it was a private conversation, but a gentleman shared with us that he misses his family. He hasn't seen them in years and he feels lonely and he feels lost. And another person in that room...
They say making your parents breakfast in bed, which is wonderful. Holding a door open. They had loads of brilliant ideas. But there was one question which really struck out at me today. When one of the kids said to me, I asked him, I said, 'What's it like when people are mean to you?' And she said, 'It feels like you're not even there. It feels like you're dead.' This was an 11-year-old child. Can you just think about what it feels like to be bullied? To feel like everyone hates you, no one cares about you. Can you imagine what that feels like? Why? Why do we do it to each other? Like really?
I think it's so important that we live a purposeful life to ourselves. Don't live someone else's life. It's crap. I did it. I lived the life of other people. So how they told me I was, that's how I thought it was. But it's only when I shook all of that off that I actually became me. So there's another really great quote which I love and it's very, very powerful if you think about it: 'If you want to see change happen, be kind to others.' So when the gentleman told me about that quote, I said to him, 'Wow, that's really, really powerful. So where did you hear that?' He said, 'John, one of your talks.' I'm like, 'Oh, I have another quote. That's two quotes.' I really, really want you to think about what it feels like to feel like nobody in the world cares about you.
Stuff and days can be hard. Nights can be harder. And we all have worries. We all have stresses. But the only way we're going to live a happy and successful life is if we care about each other. Like if we genuinely care. We rise by lifting others up. So I really, really want you to think about the impact of kindness. So it's not just a fluffy thing, like a certain gentleman told me the other day when he wouldn't let me into the office to give someone flowers. So when he turned his back, I jumped the counter. That can get you in trouble too. But I've been shown a whole host of kindness while I've been here, and none more so by a gentleman by the name of Mark. Some of you may know who, two years ago told me that I was one of...
Title of Chief Kindness Officer because it's what I am. Kindness matters. So I don't like talking about bullying because it's negative. So let's throw that away. Let's get rid of anti-bullying programs and let's put kindness programs in. So somebody said to me recently, 'John, I heard you going to America a lot speaking.' And they're like, 'Yeah, I go a lot there.' 'I kind of heard that you've joined a cult and that you found Jesus.' And I'm like, 'No, still haven't found Jesus. I don't think he lives here anymore.' And I said, 'I'm not really in a cult, but if you want to say that, that's fine. Let's call it the Cult of Kindness.' So it's non-religion affiliated. You can believe in what you want. You can be who you are. And we can all have fun. Or like we say in Ireland, we can have great craic.
Unperfect or imperfect, I don't know what those mean, but I was told to say it by someone up there. Thanks. But no, really, thank you all for being very kind and listening. And I really want you to think about what I said, because we all matter, each and every one of us. And be kind. And I'm buying Ellen a coffee. And 20 seconds left and I don't know what to say for 20 seconds. What's the craic? Somebody tell me really quickly what makes you happy. Anyone? Chocolate? Okay, chocolate for that woman. Quick. Okay, I have eight seconds and I'm finishing. And I love you all. Have a wonderful day and be kind.