This is All of It on WNYC. I'm Allison Stewart. A woman recently wrote into the New York Times with a question: "I haven't seen my true brown hair in decades, and I'm starting to feel like it's time to embrace my natural gray. Is this a bad idea?" More than 1,500 people responded to her, including my next guest, New York Times chief fashion critic Vanessa Friedman. In her column, Ask Vanessa, she writes, "The decision about which way you go depends as much on psychology and emotion as it does on any practical considerations, though many of those are involved." So, listeners, we want to hear from you. How have you navigated the psychological, emotional, and practical considerations of going gray or not? Have you let your hair go gray? Are you dyeing it? What does that decision mean to you? Our phone number is 212-433-9692, 212-433-WNYC. We are now talking to Vanessa Friedman. Hi, Vanessa.
Hi, Allison. Great to talk to you.
Nice to talk to you as well. So, what did you think when you received this question, which read in full, "I haven't seen my true brown hair in decades, and I'm starting to feel like it's time to embrace my natural gray. Is this a bad idea? How does one look less ratty while growing out their natural hair color?" What did you think when you got that letter?
I mean, the first thing I thought was, "Wow, I ask myself this question all the time." And I feel, you know, torn about it all the time. And then the more I started thinking about it, the more I thought like this gets into so many complicated, you know, questions we have about our identity, you know, as women, as men, as people in the workforce. And, you know, it has to do with our complicated feelings about aging and what that means, because gray hair is for most of us, you know, really a symbol, a visual signifier of getting older. And that's a complicated thing.
Yeah. One of the comments in the article read, "I have been threatened that not coloring my hair makes me look old. Well, I am old. What is the problem with that? I am in the winter of my life." What do you think of that attitude?
You know, I think she's absolutely right. But we live in a culture that is very focused on youth, you know, increasingly focused on youth. You know, if you look at social media, it is full of, you know, women in particular who seem to have completely erased age from their faces and their hair, you know, whether that is through filters or cosmetic surgery or, you know, or what have you. And so, increasingly there seems to be this kind of messaging around age that really it should be, you know, erased. You know, certainly when it comes to what we're talking about, it's a very, very gendered message, you know, because classically men are fine getting wrinkled and gray. In fact, they're supposed to. And when we see men like that, we think, "Oh, there is someone with experience." And while you would think it would only be rational to feel the same way about women, that is not the case. You know, women, because their appearance is associated with fertility, which is associated with youth, are supposed to be perennially young, even when they are clearly in positions that have required decades of experience to get to.
Let's take a couple of calls. Let's talk to Diane in Union, New Jersey. Hi, Diane. Thank you for making the time to call All of It.
Hi, thank you for talking about this issue. I'm in the arts and sitting in an orchestra pit of a show or something, it's become important to look young even though the audience actually can't see you unless they peer over. Or orchestra jobs and stuff like that, that it's very youth-oriented for women. A fantastic flutist who plays for the Metropolitan Opera was told that she should do something about her hair. I'm having trouble because I want mine to grow out, but events keep coming up, and to let the gray... events keep coming up and it's growing in unattractively and I don't know how to get rid of it. I only use semi-permanent dye, but it still is permanent on three-quarters of my hair. It seems to be... I don't know how to bleach it out or I don't want to damage my hair any worse than dyeing does.
I don't know what to do. Is there a way to let your hair grow gray and to keep it healthy?
You know, unfortunately, it's always going to be a painful process. There's really no way around it, as far as I could tell from all the hairdressers I spoke to. I mean, you can cut it all off. You can, you know, hide. It's actually one of the... one was one of the opportunities that people found during COVID, because the lockdowns did provide these periods where you were not in the public eye, and a lot of women seized that moment to grow their hair, to like, you know, get through that painful kind of stripey period. You can imitate Alyssa Lou and just like go with the different stripes, you know, maybe it's a trend that we can all exploit that way. But, you know, in the meantime, there are ways to help. You know, there's something called Color Wow, which is a kind of powder that you use almost like eyeshadow, and you can paint it on your roots, and that definitely is not permanent, and that can kind of ease the transition. You can go shorter, you can pull your hair back in a ponytail, which kind of changes how dramatic it looks when you have roots and hair that's a very different color. And you can go to the salon and submit yourself to the expensive and time-consuming process of having your hair colorist help you through it. It is expensive and time-consuming, but in the end, maybe you get your money back.
I'm speaking to the New York Times chief fashion critic Vanessa Friedman. We're talking about going gray and we are taking your calls. Have you let your hair go gray? Are you dyeing it? Are you navigating that choice right now? Call or text us at 212-433-9692, 212-433-WNYC. This text says, "I love love love gray hair on other people and on myself. In fact, I'm kind of disappointed that at 71 I have so little of it. When I started getting some grays in my 30s, the hairdresser used to try to cut it out and I told her to leave it because I earned every one of them. They are true to me." Let's talk to Jenny who's calling us from Bloomfield, New Jersey. Hi, Jenny. Thanks for taking the time to call All of It.
Hi, thanks so much for taking my call. I listen to you every day.
Here's my story. I ended up working from home during the pandemic like many people. And so, I decided to let my hair go gray. I let it go for about three years and I kind of liked the way it looked. And then very unexpectedly in 2024, I got laid off from my job and I was past 60. And I had one interview on Zoom. And it was so clear to me that my interviewers, who were women, thought that I was too old to handle this job, that I made the tough decision to go back to dyeing it again because I just felt that I wouldn't get a fair shot if I didn't.
Thank you so much for calling in, Jenny. That's a real issue for women.
It absolutely is. I mean, Nora Ephron, who's, you know, was an incredible writer, filmmaker, woman, commentator on the state of women, you know, said that she was convinced that, you know, hair dye had essentially extended the working life of women dramatically, had been one of the most important factors in women becoming powers in the workplace that she knew.
And I, you know, I think she's right. I'm sort of interested in the idea of COVID. Did our beauty standards change during COVID?
I think they did, but I also think, you know, one of the points worth making is it's not just your hair color, it's also your hairstyle and the rest of your style that contributes to perceptions of aging. So, you know, some of the comments on that story were from women who said, you know, I keep my hair very long, for example. And so even though it's gray, it kind of conveys a more youthful attitude, or I wear my hair in this kind of funky style that conveys a more youthful attitude. So there are ways to kind of mitigate the perception of gray as necessarily equating to old. You know, I think if you wear your hair in a very classic kind of sculpted, immobile, shoulder-length bob, you know, that does date you. So, you know, it's worth thinking about the whole package.
Immobile. That is so funny. Let's talk to Cheryl from Lyndhurst. Hi, Cheryl. Thanks for calling All of It.
Oh, thank you for taking my call. So, I'm 73 and I was a blonde and then my hair started growing in with the gray and the blonde and I'd get highlights and I always got a lot of compliments on it and I was very happy with the way it looked. And then last year I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Decided to shave my head before it all fell out. And when it grew back, it grew back in stronger and a lot curlier. But I said, "You know what? As much as I like the color, I've been somebody who was always colored within the lines my whole life. And when you have cancer, it kind of changes your outlook on life." So, I walked into the hairdresser one day and said, "I want to go purple." And that's what I did.
