There we go. Folks, what an honor to be here among such distinguished guests, cabinet members, the president. He made an announcement. I just heard that he will be attending next year's event. I thought he was going to be speaking until next year, actually. Um, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Folks, I have to give a shout-out, honestly, 3 months ago to the heroic bravery of the Secret Service and law enforcement who kept us all safe. Please, everybody.
I felt truly blessed that day to go home and be able to kiss all my kids. And yet cursed that every single day since, everybody I meet, including now the president of the United States, goes, 'If you're such a good mentalist, why didn't you see that coming?'
Everyone in here, your words that you broadcast and speak influence minds all around the globe. So, all of you, hold up your left hand. And picture a globe in your left hand. Good. Good. Sir, that's going to be your other left hand, that guy. The guy is wasted right now. Secret Service, code yellow. Cut him off. Now, I'm kidding. That was not... I just saved your life. Everyone, imagine at this moment you spin that globe and you stop anywhere random. Bam. Go for it.
Follow me with the mic. Follow me with the mic. Let's go over to somebody. Let's go to this gentleman whose body language is saying so desperately, 'Not me, not me.' Everyone thinks it's fake. I watched this on TV. I think it's fake. Sir, have we ever... right over here... Have we ever spoken a word in our life? Red bow tie, aggressive play.
Steve? Hold up. They love you, Steve. Steve, did you just spin a globe and go to a random place?
Hear me out, folks. In a few months, Steve will forget the random place because there's no meaning. But no, listen to me. And then, a year from now, you'll say, 'Who was the guy we saw last year?' I cannot have you forgetting me by next year. I'm going to be the show you talk about for years to come. So, everyone, I don't want a random place. Everybody, take... Give it another spin. Follow me. Everyone give it another spin. I want eyes to light up. I want butterflies in your stomach. Everybody stop on one spot. And I want to see a big smile. I want to see excitement in your eyes. That guy just winked at me. I don't know why.
Follow me with the mic. Right over here. This gentleman with a perfect head of hair. They're going to hold the mic. They're going to help you out. Tell us your first name.
David, stand up, please. Give him a hand for helping me out. Give him a hand.
David, I don't know the future. I'm not a psychic. I would have called that 3 months ago. I read people. Hold up your hand. Try not to react. South America, North America. Look down again. Number one place in the world you'd love to go. Look at it again. But this man dreams big, but you haven't been there. Look at that place one more time. Look at me. Yeah. That's the smile I wanted to see. Asia, Africa, Antarctica, too cold for you. Turn your back so I can't see you and you can't see me. Close your eyes for me, David. Close your eyes.
David, was there any hesitation in your mind? Were you on the fence? Look, the shift in the posture. The weight on the right foot. Close your eyes. My boy just changed his mind. Come on, David. He just said in his head, he goes, 'If I'm not paying, I'm going big. There's a passport involved.' David, keep your eyes closed. Keep your eyes closed. Keep your eyes closed. What was the place when I said, 'Spin it.' Stop right there. Where did you want to go? Tell us.
What... Can I ask you a question?
That's why I said you shifted your balance. Have you been there before?
Hm, I'm so curious. Let me ask you a question. Never mind how this works. Did you change your mind?
Were you thinking initially of a place and you go, 'I've been there, so it's too obvious.' And at the last moment you changed. What was the first place you thought of?
Big Sur, California, where I just visited.
And then... and then Taj Mahal was your get... was the layup. There it is right there. What did you think of after that? I saw you chilling, relaxing. Was there another place you were thinking of?
Okay, close enough. I'll take Big Sur. Turn around. Maybe you're just drinking Fiji water. I'll take it. I'll take it. Did Fiji pop in your head?
Fiji came at one point, I will say. Fiji did come at one point.
This guy's like, 'I'm going on an all-expense vacation. I'm doing a world tour here.' I say think of one place. That's fine. That's fine. Have a seat for me.
No, hear me out. Hear me out. What happens if somebody lies in my show? Right? What happens if somebody lies in my show? And this room never lies, so there's no chance. Watch this. I need to put some skin in the game. Right now, if I lose, what happens? Nothing. I already got paid for the show. Let's come out in this crowd. Raise your hand if you have any cash on you. If you have any money on you, raise your hand. What is this? All the cabinets broke? What's going on? Where's that super PAC money? Follow me. I'm going... You know what? I see... I see the name tag. I don't have to read minds. Acting Attorney General. Let's go over to this gentleman. Introduce yourself, please.
I... I know it, but it all seems fake if I know Todd. I can say it. Stand up. Give a hand everybody for helping me out.
Todd, just tap on the mic. Let's make sure it works. Are you a money clip or a wallet kind of guy? Don't take it out.
No. Neither. It's like a little... It's more like a wallet.
Okay, it was a multiple choice. That's okay. Do you know, and I always ask this question because you never know, you're going out, cash isn't as common now. Do you know exactly how much is in there? You're not sure.
I like that. Right? Hashtag baller.
I want you to count it. But hold on. Do it under the table so there's no way I could see. Under the table and move away with the microphone. I picked the right guy. Stand up. Lie to me. Don't tell me how much money you really have. Make up a lie. Make up a lie. Lie to me. How much you got?
I would have said if you're going to dream, dream big, Todd.
That... that was dreaming big.
Folks, I notice patterns. I notice patterns and I can't explain why, and this is not a stereotype, but when I do this with men versus women, they lie differently and I don't know why that is. It's not a gender stereotype, but for some odd reason, statistical analysis, women will prefer to use a number smaller than the amount they actually have on them. I don't know why. Men like to lie by saying things are bigger.
No examples. You didn't laugh at that joke, Todd. Joke was hilarious. Bingo! My acting attorney general just lied too big. Here's the question to ask yourself. Cover your eyes. How could I know something he didn't even know? I'm going to show you over here. I'm going to show the president. President's still admiring the check crystal, I'm noticing. Those are beautiful chandeliers, sir. Open your eyes. How much you got, Todd?
$85, everybody!
IRS conducting a forensic audit as we speak on you, sir. Do you know the gentleman standing in front of you, sitting in front of you?
Okay. You seemed happier than he did. That was a weird response. Uh, tell us your name.
Tom, hold out your hands flat if you don't mind, like a pancake. Take any one of those bills out for me, Todd. And I want to create a moment in this room for Todd and Tom that you will never forget. Flip that bill over for me. And I want you to remember this White House Correspondents' Dinner.
Todd is like, 'I should have brought more cash.' Turn to face him, please. And what I'd like you to do here is you're going to be his table. But you could sit if you want, but that's okay.
General, sorry. I'll probably stand up.
I want you to take, and I want you to sign it. Go ahead. And then hold it up so everyone... You see the federal offense you have just committed. He just clearly lost the Senate confirmation hearings on camera. I'm teasing you, Todd. Todd, did you sign that bill?
I don't know why you're smiling over here, Tom. You're an accessory to the crime, sir. This is the acting attorney general. I want you to take that bad boy, fold it in half, please. Fold it again, and I want you to recount the moments that just happened under oath in court. Did you touch that bill, Todd?
Did anyone else ever touch that bill, sir?
I'm sure someone else did, but not tonight.
Okay, well, statute of limitations. I want to make sure nobody ever wants to touch it in the future. Fold it in half. Fold it again. Sit on it. He just confirmed with his wife, and he didn't even go right or left cheek, he went dead center. That's a man who takes no chances.
I'm going to ask every one of you in this room a question. Here's what I'd like you all to do right now for me. Journalists, accomplished people who like to get to the bottom of things. I want everyone to take a deep breath in, and I want everyone to give me a nice strong exhale out. And I want you to close your eyes. And visualize that sitting across from you, I have this question I love to ask people. I say, if you could interview, in this room I call it interview, sometimes I say have dinner, you know, break bread, ask questions. If you could interview somebody famous, but let's make it hypothetical. Dead or alive, past or present. Anyone that's ever lived, it's a fascinating question. And I want you to visualize. That's the key. It's not just see it in your mind, but see that person sitting across from you. Open your eyes, nod your heads if you've already done it. Nod your head. Some of you are quick on the draw. Some of you are still relatively sober, given the fact it's I think 3:00 a.m. at this moment. I lost track of time. If you haven't yet done it, crunch time everybody. 3, 2, 1, done. Wake up everyone. Give me a big clap over your head if you can see your person clear as day. Give me a big clap. All right, follow me with the mics. We're going to go rapid fire here. Follow me with the mics. Follow me. Follow me. Come on over. Give me another clap.
I like the fact that this gentleman right over here, can we see him? We're going to point over. Looked at me, distinctly looked at me, clapped, nodded, then shook his head.
I don't even know what that means.
And you're like, what do I do? How do I avoid him even though I'm sitting in the front row?
Push my wife in front of...
Push your wife. That I love. Chivalry is not dead. What's your name?
Parents nailed it. You look like an Ed. I think that's perfect. Have we ever spoken a word in our life ever?
Stand up for me, Ed. Now, if I go head-to-head, toe-to-toe with Ed, I don't think it's good enough. It's not good enough. The more people I can do this with, the more impossible it becomes. Give me some more claps. Follow me with the mic. Follow me with the camera. Follow me with the camera. Oh, follow me. Follow me. Try. Come on over. I like... This was an incredible smile. Arms extended, she threw in a belly dance. I reward extra credit. No, Ed, stand up. We didn't get rid of you. I love you, Ed. Let's go right over here. Tell us your first name.
Stand up. Two L's? I'm a mind reader. Come on, Michelle. Come on. Another clap. Another clap. Another clap. I look around. This was a moment. We had a moment right over here. If you go to this young lady, she looked at me, and when we made eye contact, Ed, she did not nod. She did not shake her head. But rather, when we made eye contact, she closed her eyes tightly as if to activate some sort of camouflage shield saying to herself, 'If I don't see him, does he still see me?' I see you. Tell us your name.
I now have one, two, three people thinking of three different people they want to have dinner with. This side's feeling no love. I can see it in your eyes. You're feeling no love. So, let's keep it going. Two more people, rapid fire. Follow me with the mics. Follow me. Give me some claps. Give me some claps. Your joy is effervescent. Also, the pocket square for ripples? Next level, my friend. Next level. What is your name?
Kevin? Stand up for me, Kevin. I never go past four. Give him a round of applause. Make some noise.
But this is not just any event. This is the White House Correspondents' Dinner. It's been going over 100 years. I'm the first mentalist. One more group. One more group. Right over here. I didn't even tell you I would do this. Give me a clap. Let me see it.
Who thinks they have someone I will not get? You will be my Fiji water. Who will that be? Give me a clap. Okay. All of you with the big clap, you're too confident. I don't like it. I like the people that are on the fence. I like this young lady right over here. This young lady looked over. She squinted at me. She didn't clap. She just gave me an 'I'm looking at you, buddy.' Tell us your first name.
Alex, give Alex a hand, too, as well.
Alex, Kevin, Ed, Erin, Michelle with two L's. Each of you I asked to think of somebody famous sitting across from you, and you are on the edge of your seat, scintillating, asking them questions. Sit down if it's Jack Kerouac.
Folks, don't hold the applause in. Let it out. Let it out.
That's so obscure. Like, you should not have gotten...
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Joke is too soon. Too soon. Too soon. Have a seat, Erin, please.
That's it. That is 100% it.
I... I know. I can read your mind. That's what I... You don't have to keep telling me.
Have a seat. Thank you. I like how Erin just rethought her choice. She's like, 'Mine's too easy.' Mine's too easy.
There's no way he would know.
Kevin, you are a ball of positive energy. Just looking at you has uplifted my mood without caffeine. I can tell you for a 100% fact. I'm not even going to hedge. Not 99. Not 100% live TV. Your person is alive and well. Am I correct?
How did I know that? Your vitality, your energy. Versus if we could point the camera at Ed. Gerard, Ed is over here. That's that guy. Ed has dead guy vibes written all over him.
Come on, man. I'm feeling pretty...
Why are you on the fence?
No, he's definitely a dead guy.
You weren't sure if he was dead or alive?
No, I'm saying I'm vital. I'm just saying he's dead.
Oh, yeah. It's nothing about you. You're going to live to 120, baby. I'm talking about the person you're thinking of.
You know what? Arms behind the back. This guy's very proper. He's done a lot of World War II biographies. Sit down if it's Winston Churchill.
Folks, I'm getting 6% applause on things that deserve 120.
Have a seat, Fournier. Have a seat, Ed. Have a seat. Bless you. I knew you'd sneeze right then.
Erin, playful hair adjustment, always a guy. It's always a guy. The hair adjustment twice, it's a guy. Am I right?
I could tell. I could tell.
It wasn't playful hair, but it was just an adjustment.
Okay, there's no implications here.
I like how Tom just told Todd, he's like, 'Why didn't you bring more money, bro? Why didn't you bring more money?' I did this last week. I filmed my Netflix special. And I did this in the last person standing thought of a movie star. And when I got it right, he did not sit down. And the tension grew in the room, and I said, 'Sir, did I get it?' He goes, 'Yeah.' And I go, 'Okay.' He goes, 'Oh, yeah? What movie am I thinking of?' I'm like, 'Buddy, there's no... onto me a feature.' It's always 'I wonder what movie she's thinking of of his.' But I'm going to go with it. Do you know what question you're going to ask him right off the jump, or is it more just a flowing conversation? What's...
