Folks, it's Monday night. Time for headlines.
Here's an ad for a buffet restaurant. Weekend buffet, $11.99. I like this. Children under two eat free. Children must present ID. So, the ID says you're 22 months?
Kev, I think I see why you're a vegetarian. It's a Chinese restaurant menu. Fried Chinese pickled with stomach pork. Wait a minute. Is that stomach pork? Okay.
I love this. This is like a souvenir thing, you know, you get it at a football game. You know, these little, you know, you put it on, you sit in the stands. I like what it says here: Warning, not to be used as protective device. Don't actually go out and play with this on because...
Someone sent me this campaign poster. Vote for Horny Richard. Yes, Horny Richard.
Oh, duh. HMOs, they're better if you're healthy, report says. I guess.
Is free bird walk in the free bird walk in the canyon? Bring binoculars, boots, sunscreen, and heat. It's just little birds. It seems like a terrible... It's an awful thing to bring to the park.
Here's a heck of a deal. 14 aluminum screen storm windows and screen, new in 1960. A hell of a deal.
Here's an ad for Harold Publications. They print rubber stamps, brochures. Look. A place that prints it all. We print it all.
Here's free fat-cutting gel. Look at this. This guy says, 'I woke up the next morning one dress size smaller.'
Apparently, he lost a lot more than a couple of pounds.
You know, other countries don't do this. We're the only... We are so squeamish about saying medical things or anything to do with... Look at it. It says the headline is 'Syphilis outbreak shaking up Detroit.' It says syphilis typically appears as a sore, can be treated with penicillin, left undamaged can damage the heart. Look at the top sentence: The heart, eye, brain, and other boy parts.
I'm going to go to the doctor. Let's see your boy parts.
I love this. Retire rich and healthy. You want to retire rich? Extension 612. Healthy? 611.
Here is the definition of irony. Porn star sues over rear-end collision. Maybe that rear end hadn't been moving around so much.
Here's an honest ad. Ruby red binoculars. An amazing 5.8 field of vision for tracking any prey. Great for outdoor sporting events and concerts. Yeah.
I never heard of this. I'm sure it's a fine product. Polygamy bratwurst. How many people have touched that?
Here's another weight loss one. I don't know. This made me laugh. It made me laugh. I don't know. It's just about hypnosis. After hypnosis, her husband said, 'You're the sexiest woman alive.' Yes, dear. You are the sexiest woman alive. Oh, yes. Oh, baby. No. No. Yes.
Wow, this killed me. I'm going to read the lady's quote, and her quote really doesn't make sense until you see the picture. This woman is a secretary. She handles all the duties. It says, 'It's just easier to do it myself. I've grown up with this business. It's all in my head.'
This is from the Flagstaff newspaper. It says, 'Do you think more people use marijuana in Flagstaff compared to other cities?' Michael Willett, graduate student, says, 'I think they do a lot. My neighbor sells a lot to the whole town.'
I think the police are on their way to his, uh, Michael Willett's house right now.
Here's another one. What do you think of Judge William Sessions' decision declaring the federal death penalty law unconstitutional? David Lind of Rutland says, 'I believe everyone has a right to a fair and speedy trial. I also believe life is precious, so I support the death penalty.'
Someone sent me this from the Yellow Pages. This is under sperm banks in the Yellow Pages. There are two sperm banks listed: Swedish Medical Center Reproductive Technology and Woody's Grill and Bar.
Woody's Grill and Bar. I ain't going out to Woody's. I think I'll make the donation down there. Sounds better.
Farris State Showmanship winner. I can see why he and his lamb won. A little creepy.
Here are some weddings. These are people with interesting names that just happened to get married. Here's the Golf Ball wedding. Here's the Beating Heart wedding. Maybe these people live in Houston. It's the Hanger Husband wedding. It's the Missing the Beer engagement.
Must have been quite a party. Feces celebrate 65th wedding anniversary. Where are the feces? No, never mind.
I like this one. Yes. Damn it, John. The Leak More wedding.
Sounds like a bad movie. Yes, it's the Hooker and the Dummy. They decided to get... The Hooker and the Dummy. It's Ed and Wanda Hickey.
It'll be a fascinating wedding. It's the Veal Whacker wedding.
It's the Butter is Peters wedding. Never mind. It's the Colon Plumber wedding.
The Combs Bush wedding. Call Horse. Call Horse.
And it's the Kill and Beavers wedding. And finally, yes, my favorite. It's the Gay Leno wedding. Yeah. The Gay Leno wedding.
Folks, you have the headlines of the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 3000 West Alameda Avenue, Burbank, California 91523. For more headlines and other stuff, go to our website nbc.com/tonightshow. We'll be right back. Michael Clarke Duncan right after this.
