SheBelieves Summit: Self Esteem, Confidence, and Motivation - Lea Goldman

I'm Lea Goldman. I'm just gonna—can you hear me? I'm Lea Goldman, I'm the editor-in-chief of Lifetime Television. I'm super excited to spend the afternoon with you guys talking about self-confidence, motivation, inspiration you will find throughout your academic careers and what happens beyond that. There will be moments where your confidence ebbs and flows. Some days you'll have awesome moments where you're killing it; other days, regular days, you'll just be looking for some inspiration to draw from to power through a particular challenge. It happens often. There are milestone moments where you'll look back on and be like, 'That was a pretty crappy day.' So I hope this conversation teaches you some tools and tips that you can use and remember that will help you through those times.

I'm gonna start with just a little bit of background. I spent my career in media; I only recently moved to television. I spent the first 10 years of my career at Forbes magazine, where I was probably one of five women who worked with hundreds of men. Then I decided to go the opposite route and I went to work for a women's magazine. I went to work for Marie Claire magazine, where I was among a sea of women with probably fewer than five men. And I learned a lot. I learned a lot about the way men and women communicate with each other and the way they take ownership of a room. My standard joke that I have is that in a room full of men, you never want to be the one to offer to bring the snacks because you will be always perceived of as the assistant. But in a room full of women, you will own the room because women don't judge things like that. It's just a comfortable space where you can eat and brainstorm and collaborate, and it's just not perceived like that. So it's my little takeaway from those years working with men and women.

After working at Marie Claire, I went to Refinery29, which really services your demographic; we focused on Gen Z and millennial women. And after that, I moved to television. But you could say that throughout my entire career, I was in very much a business that dealt a lot with appearances. But we had a very calculated approach to appearances, whether it was cover shoots or photo shoots or, you know, on TV, how we were gonna costume someone. All these were very carefully calibrated decisions. I want to preface this conversation by saying I'm not here to give you talks on what to wear to work. I don't really care what you wear to work; you can make your own decisions, you're all adults. But know that what you wear, how you carry yourself, telegraphs something. And I can tell you that's a fact because I worked in the business of making sure that impressions were carefully calculated and that they were telegraphed a certain way. How you carry yourself sends a message.

I always like to start presentations like this with a fun little example. You all know who that is, right? This is Lena Dunham. This is a still from Girls, probably one of the earlier seasons. What do you make of that? Let's start with the way she's standing. Confident or not confident? I think we'll agree, right? Not confident. Well, what makes that a not confident posture? Slouching. She's slouching. Stand up straight because standing up straight telegraphs that you're in the room, you're paying attention, you're there. The other thing that telegraphs someone who's not necessarily comfortable in their own skin, other than the fact that her legs are crossed, is just entirely comfortable with her body. I am not a size two girl; I am probably a little top-heavy. Finding clothes throughout my entire life has always been a challenge. I wore skirts for many, many years because I could never find pants that fit me. I look at some of the photographs from the earlier part of my career and I'm always sitting the same way when I'm photographed sitting. I'm sort of like my hand is sort of over this area because I'm not comfortable in what I'm wearing, and it shows. So I just want you to be mindful of those things because they're giveaways. People pick up on them: confident, not confident.

You all know who that is, right? It's The Office, Pam. Everybody's favorite assistant. Confident or not confident? Not confident. You know that from the character, but what are the giveaways? Also slouched. The other giveaway: she matches the walls. That's a deliberate costume decision. She matches the wall; she's just trying to blend in, doesn't want to stand out too much. Confident or not confident? This is what we call a power pose. I did not come up with that term. I encourage you all to Google TED Talk 'Power Pose.' A social psychologist named Amy Cuddy gave one of the most successful, most-watched talks in TED history about power poses. Ever notice at the end of a race, people do that? That's called a power pose. You can, even if you're having a really bad day, affect confidence. You can fake everyone else out and make them think you're confident, and then maybe draw on that, feed off that. By affecting a power pose before a job interview, before a college interview, before anything important, go into the bathroom and do some power poses. Amy Cuddy talks about what those could look like, but they help. This is a power pose, and this is what a power pose looks like in real life. Ah, they put in the wrong photo. There's a photo of Christine Lagarde, who used to be the president of the IMF. Very famous photo: she is standing in a room with a man somewhere in Europe, and she's talking to him like this, and it is a power pose in action. This is another power pose in action. This is a woman named Natalia Oberti; she is a young CEO in New York City. She does funding for emerging businesses run by women. She's just owning the space. You always see men who are powerful abuse chairs. What do I mean by that? When they abuse chairs, they sit in them with their legs open and their arms out; they take up space. Taking up space is a sign of confidence, a sign of power. Take up space. You don't have to be the person who is trying to occupy as little real estate as possible. Own your seat, take your space. So those are just a few visual examples of what confidence looks like.

A lack of confidence holds women back. This is fact. I spent my 10-plus years at Marie Claire, and we had a column called 'Marie Claire at Work' where I would go out and interview female CEOs and top executives. I learned a lot of things about what holds women back. Invariably, even CEOs, even women at the top of their game, I would talk to them about how they attribute their success, how they got where they are. And sometimes even those women would say, 'I got lucky.' Very rarely do you hear a successful man say they got lucky. Luck might have been a part of it, but I think we'd all agree that a lot more sweat equity goes into success than just luck. Wouldn't it be awesome if success we could just chalk up to luck? Then so many more of us would be successful. But it's not true. Luck is not why you become successful.

Do you assume that everyone in the room is smarter or more deserving than you to be there? This happens a lot. When I was in college, I went to Columbia University. I came from a podunk school in South Jersey, considered myself lucky to have gotten into Columbia, and spent the entire four years of my college education sitting in the back of the room. I don't think I asked a single question during the entire four years I was at school. Only later, and I've written about this—you can Google it—only later did I realize I had what they now call impostor syndrome. I felt that they were gonna find out I wasn't smart enough to be there. If I open my mouth, they're gonna realize right away they made a mistake, that I shouldn't be there. So this is, again, I learned talking to these successful women some of the challenges they had to go through to get where they are. A lack of confidence holds women back; they suffer from imposter syndrome.

Do you psych yourself out from going after opportunities by telling yourself you're not qualified for them? This happens all the time. There's a job or an internship you're interested in, and you see the five bullet points they have for what's required. Before you apply, you see, 'I have one, maybe two. I'll never get this. I shouldn't even apply.' Men don't even give it a second thought and they apply. It's okay to put your hat in the ring for things that might be a reach. That's what pursuing your goals looks like. You have to be reaching. It's too easy to go after the things where you hit all five of these so you're certain that you're qualified. The goal is to challenge yourself. The goal is to learn. You become better when you're surrounded by people who are in fact more experienced. So reach for the things that might seem like you're not quite there, you're not quite qualified for.

The last thing: a lack of confidence holds women back. At this very moment, are you waiting to do something until you feel more ready? 'I really want to apply for an internship, but I'm only a freshman and freshmen don't apply for internships, so I'm gonna wait until I feel more ready.' Or, 'There's an elective I want to take, but I think I'm gonna give it another year because then I'll feel like I have a little more wisdom going into the room.' Again, it's tied to this one before. You're holding yourself back from things because you don't feel ready. These are all the things that I think hold young women in particular back. Men do not wrestle with these things. I'm here to tell you this as fact. Men don't wrestle with these things. Men apply for a job when they meet only 60% of the qualifications; women apply only when they meet 100% of them. Understand what that means. If there are ten criteria, men hit six and they say, 'I'm good enough for that job.' Women feel the need to hit all of those criteria. The net result is that men have access to more opportunities than women do. It's not because they deserve them more; it's because they go for them more. 46% of men always negotiate a salary after a job offer; only 30% of women do.

Now I am finally at the stage in my career where I actually offer jobs to people somewhat regularly, and I find this true out of the gate. I don't think there's ever been a single time in my career where a woman negotiated her salary. It's never happened to me. I've probably hired 15, 20 people. Not a one. And in fact, some of the young women that I've mentored in my career have routinely called me up and said, 'You know, I got this job offer. What do you think?' And I always say, without even knowing what the number is, 'Ask for more.' Now you all know that there's a gender pay gap in this country, right? You all know that it begins with that first job. It doesn't happen that you hit your stride mid-career—you're a doctor, you're a lawyer, you're an executive—and suddenly you see a pay gap. It happens with your very first job. Dollar for dollar, the man is gonna get a dollar and you're gonna get about 80 cents. And it happens, and you're not doing anything about it. Now you might say, 'But I don't want to—they're gonna rescind the job offer if I come back and say I want $5,000 more.' Go back to that first slide I had about the things that are holding you back. It's not going to happen. Now you want to be reasonable and informed about it. You don't want to go back on your first job offer and say, 'I want $50,000 more.' That would not be very smart. But I always encourage young women on their first job offers to ask for something negligible—a couple thousand. Even ask for a couple thousand more just to get in the habit of asking and just to know what it feels like to get the yes. Because very rarely, I have found when I have encouraged people to do this, do they get turned down on a couple of grand. So just try it. No one's gonna rescind your job offer.

Men account for 75% of the conversation in conference rooms and business meetings. This happens all the time. I go into a conference room; I'm, as you can tell, I've cultivated a pushy—I'm a pushy broad—so I always find a seat at the table in a conference room and I just take it. But then I watch what happens. I watch very closely. First, you find the women might show up late or just hang out by the doors waiting to see what happens. Then the men take all the seats, and then they'll find these peripheral chairs. Take a seat at the table, and then once you're at the table, participate. Now that's always a nice pat thing to say: you have to participate in a discussion. What happens if you're an introvert? A lot of women, a lot of men, are introverts. This is one of the things that they don't tell you in school: you are going to have to master communication skills. Now that's not to say you're gonna have to get up in front of a roomful of 200 people and deliver a presentation, but one of the incontrovertible factors to having a successful career is being able to command a room. There's not a CEO or an executive or a founder in the world that can't do this. It doesn't happen naturally. Some people are born with it; some people have to cultivate it. But it's a muscle like anything else. If you practice it, if you exercise it enough, it becomes more comfortable. So I just want to reassure the introverts in the room: it's not as painful as it sounds. We're gonna go through some tips to help you get a little more comfortable with what that looks like.

A lack of confidence makes women do crazy, crazy things. Raise your hand if this has ever happened to you. Have you ever written an email, only to edit it before you send it, or send it to your friends to have a look at, or your mom: 'Can you look at this and just tell me if it looks okay?' Who here's done this? I find myself sometimes I've had to catch myself because I want to ask a colleague, 'Can you come over and look at this before I send this?' A clear lack of confidence. Have you ever been congratulated for something only to respond that it was a team effort? I do this a lot. It seems like the polite thing to do, and girls are nothing if not polite, right? Thank everyone else for your hard-won honor. This is sort of a default politeness thing that women have ingrained into us. 'It wasn't just me; there were so many people.' It's okay to own the compliment. It's okay to take it and be proud of it and have a little swagger about it. That's okay. Have you ever been blamed for something that wasn't your fault but nonetheless accepted the blame? 'Probably I may have had something to do with that,' or 'I should have intervened before he or she did that; I could have stopped it.' If it's a group project and someone dropped the ball, you accept the blame even though it wasn't your fault because that's what good girls do, right? Have you ever endured a setback only to dissect in your head for hours what went wrong? Reflection is important; learning from your mistakes is important. But dwelling on them and not really writing them off for what they are—learning opportunities—draw inspiration from them, move on, instead of using them as fodder for reasons why you shouldn't try again. Women do this a lot. Have you ever avoided a challenge—a marathon, extra credit, a new hobby—because 'there's no way someone like you could have done it'? I like to tell this story: I have actually run two marathons. To look at me is not necessarily to think runner, but that's okay. I call myself a runner. I ran my first marathon after seeing my best friend do it. My best friend, who equally probably not in the best shape of her life, ran a marathon. I remember I'll never forget just watching her. I was in New York watching her run, and I thought, 'Why can't I do this? Why do I have to look a certain way or be a certain type to do that?' Women do this all the time.

When I was at Marie Claire, we sponsored an extensive nationwide study of executives around the country. They were men and women, and we asked them what success looks like. We didn't ask gender or anything like that, but they informed that piece of it. They told us what success looked like, and they broke it down into three buckets. The first piece was related to communication. I said earlier that I think this is probably the unsung skill that women are never ever told that they have to master: this communication piece. Can you command a room? Can you get up in front of your peers in a classroom setting or beyond and talk to them? Part of the confidence comes from knowing your stuff. If you know your stuff, you can get in front of a room. Practice in front of a mirror, have your friend hold up a phone and just record you. Notice all the times you say 'um,' how many times you're looking at people in the eye. These are routine things you've heard before, but to see them in practice is really amazing to see how you avoid those things because they make you uncomfortable. Practice them. Can you deliver a presentation? All of us, every single person sitting here right now, has had to deliver a presentation. Some of you in the room no doubt dread it. Get over it. You will be delivering—I don't care if you end up becoming a lab researcher in the middle of nowhere—you will have to deliver a presentation at some point in your life. Nail it. In classrooms, are you an active participator or do you sit off to the side and listen? This is how success is defined. When they ask the professor, when they ask the employer, when they ask the manager, 'Who are your stars?' It's not the ones who don't contribute; it's always the ones who contribute something. Come prepared. Make sure you've read, make sure you know what's going on. Don't echo what someone else in the room has said; offer something fresh and new. One thing. Be active. Participate in meetings, groups. Do you bring fresh ideas to the table or echo those already discussed? Do you look people in the eye when talking to them? This is one of those basic things that's the telltale giveaway of someone who is not confident. And do you pay attention in meetings or are you on the phone? This one I see in practice every day, not just from young people but from all people. This is to me an issue of confidence but also respect. Put the phone away. Give someone your time, your attention. It pays dividends. People take note of these things, and they definitely take note of people that don't.

The second piece that we heard from executives when we did this nationwide survey: gravitas. Very fancy word. What does gravitas mean? It means all sorts of things. It means having a vision, having a point of view. Are you decisive? This is what that is—how they defined success and leadership. Someone who's an executive, someone who knows who should be in the front of a room. Are you decisive, or do you chew on things for days? This speaks to a lack of confidence. It's okay to make a decision even if it's wrong. Even if it's a poor decision, to learn from it—that's where leadership really comes from: learning from those mistakes, course correcting, showing growth. So are you decisive, or do you chew on decisions for four days? In a crisis, do you exhibit grace under pressure, or do you fall apart? This is one I constantly struggle with. I was in a rush this morning to get out the door and bit my husband's head off. So I myself wrestle with this. What does that look like for you when it's midnight, you have something due at 8 a.m., and it's not done yet? Leadership is those moments. Success is those moments. How you handle them, what decisions you make. Are you using your time well? Do you have a vision for what you want, and can you express it? This is an important one because I see this manifested in ways big and small. For a successful person, it's 'This is what I want from my company, this is what I want from my career.' But for a young person, it's a little different because at this stage in your life, it's okay to not have a vision for what the next 10 years looks like. I used to hate those questions: 'Where do you see yourself in 10 years?' 10 years? I don't even know what the next 10 days are gonna look like. Still, you have to have what we call in television a logline. How do you describe yourself in a sentence? If you're in an elevator with someone, what do you want to tell them? Do you want to tell them, 'I'm really not sure what I want to do with my life; I'm kind of interested in entertainment'? No, you need a logline. 'I'm not sure, but I was in my school play, I really loved it, I think I might explore opportunities like that.' That's all you need to say. This is what executives look for. They just want to know your story; they just want a sense of you. So even if you're not sure what you want to do with your life, try distilling your interest in a sentence or two. 'Really interested in the sciences; I think I might look into engineering.' 'Really not sure what I want to do, but I had a great internship last summer and I might look for a job at that company.'

Are you real with people? Nobody likes a phony. The beauty of this is that women tend to excel in this arena. We are empathetic by nature; this is true, this is not me generalizing. We have what are called the soft skills; we connect with people. But phonies are snuffed out pretty quickly. We heard a lot of this during the election, right? We heard a lot about Hillary: 'She's a phony.' People said that all the time because there was something about it that felt contrived sometimes, like poll-tested. Everything she did was poll-tested. She checked the poll and said, 'I should go in that direction,' and she went in that direction. People sniff that. So sometimes you're gonna have to fake it—you've heard the term 'fake it to make it'—but always be real with people. They appreciate it, they connect to it, they sense it. I finally feel like I'm at the stage of my life that I can be real about the things I don't like, the things I do. I go to company events where, for example, they had a big yoga thing in the morning. I'm not really comfortable doing yoga with my colleagues. I'll tell you: that makes me a little uncomfortable, not ready. I just joined this company; I'm not ready for that yet. Be real with people instead of showing up and trying to make sure nobody notices you. And the last thing: do you have integrity? Harder to define, right? But are you honest, are you truthful, are you reliable? Do you show up when people need you to show up? Do you show up when you say you're gonna show up? Do you have integrity? These are the qualities that people look for in successful leaders or would-be leaders.

Do you know how to read a room and act accordingly? This is so important, and part of it involves homework. If you're applying for a job, if you show up for your first day of your internship, are you reading the room? Do you show up prepared and dressed appropriately? This is that piece I told you earlier: I'm not gonna tell you how to dress; you're adults, you can make those decisions. But those things do say something about you. So do your homework in advance. Make sure you understand the rules of the road. In general, I have found that for me, jeans are a bit of a pitfall. I don't wear jeans to work, though I work in a creative professional environment where people wear jeans all the time. My problem with jeans is that one, I have a difficult time finding a pair that I think look good on me. Two, I find that there are a hundred thousand ways women can screw up jeans. Men have sort of bootleg, straight leg, and is there anything else? For women, there's like whiskered and faded and distressed and high-top and low-top and bootleg and flare—a million ways for me to screw up. So I just avoid them. It's Saturday afternoon, and this is basically what you'd find me wearing on Monday. I probably will wear this on Monday. Read the room, dress accordingly, be prepared for it.

Do you take care of yourself? This is one of those things that again speaks to the appearance. Do you telegraph to people that you spend time on yourself, that you get up in the morning and you are someone who invests time in herself? Because that's how it's read. Now that's not to say you need to show up with the hour-long glam squad experience; that's not what I'm saying. But I'm saying you want to show up like you look like you spend time on yourself. Someone who invests in themselves is someone others will invest in. You want to look the part, you want to be ready. You don't want to show up with a cup of coffee in your hand, a stain on your shirt because you were racing with a cup of coffee. Those things people notice. Are you too casual or are you too serious? The serious piece is a complicated one for women because I often have heard in my career, 'Women can't take a joke.' And now in this milieu, we know that some of these things are frankly not funny. Some of the jokes that men crack—not funny. But the point is, again, reading the room. What's the context? I knew today I would be talking to a group of young people; I'm trying to keep it a little more casual. It's not a boardroom; it's noisy. So again, tonal things. Read the room, act accordingly. If I were too serious, it probably would not be fun for you. You would probably not go out into the world and say awesome things about me. If I just stood up here and treated it like it was my graduate school thesis, no. Read the room you're in, act accordingly.

This is another big one that we heard from executives about people who are successful: they solicit feedback. But even more important than asking for feedback—which sometimes can be painful because usually you ask for feedback when you know you need it—you have to take the feedback. Here's the thing about feedback: you ruin it for everybody else when you ask for feedback and you don't take it. Because the person who's giving it to you is less inclined to give it again. It's the truth: 'She didn't listen; people don't listen.' That's what a manager says when you ask for feedback and then you don't take it. The thing about asking for feedback: again, sensitive, sometimes it hurts to get the feedback. But you want to know these are the things that will help you arm yourself to be more successful. When you get your feedback, when you say, 'Professor, I know midterms are three weeks away, but I'm just curious what you think of my work so far. I just want to get a sense of how you think. Am I participating enough? What would you like to see from me?' Don't settle for vague feedback. Managers, we live in an HR-oriented culture; sometimes managers don't like to give feedback, it makes them uncomfortable, and so they deliver these anodyne responses that are not very helpful. 'Well, I just really like to see more of a team player. You're not much of a team player.' What do you mean? 'Not sure I follow. What does that mean exactly?' Or sometimes it comes off as 'a little too aggressive.' I got—if I had a quarter for every time I heard that. What does that mean? You're allowed to ask follow-ups, so you should ask follow-ups. There's plenty of research out there that shows that women in particular get this vague feedback. 'What do you mean? Can you be more specific? Can you point to an example that illustrates what you mean here? Because I really want to get this right. It's really important to me to make sure that we're on the same page.' 'You need to strengthen your knowledge.' Would you like me to go to more conferences? Would you like me to take extra courses? Do you think I'm not prepared enough with my homework? What does that mean? 'You need to work on your leadership skills.' Again, what does that mean? Sometimes it just means, 'I want to see you raise your hand more.' But let that person say that.

We also heard that successful people are playing the long game. They don't measure success in six months or a year. 'I didn't get the job. I've been here working here for a year and they still didn't give me the job.' Sometimes it's gonna be more than a year. Actually, sometimes you're not gonna get the raise the first six months out; you're not gonna get the bonus the first time. Sometimes it takes a little longer. We live in a quick-fix, instant gratification, fast food culture. Some things don't happen quickly. Growth doesn't happen quickly. So ask for feedback quarterly so you know. Especially in school, what do you have? Testing once, like midterms and then finals? You're allowed to get feedback more regularly than that. So instead of doing it twice yearly where that's your checkup to know how you're performing, go in every month, go in every other month, ask for feedback. Or if it's a manager, if you have an internship or a job, go in more regularly. I do this all the time. I am always—this is, you guys are too young for this, but Ed Koch used to be the mayor of this town, and his famous line was, 'How am I doing? How am I doing?' I do this all the time. 'How am I doing?' And my bosses know it. I'm the one who always asks for—I think I would like to get time with you every other week. Is it okay? Can I get time in your calendar every other week? I report to people; I meet with them every other week for 30 minutes. I come in with an agenda; I give them a list: 'This is what I want to talk to you about today.' Usually I give it to them in advance so that they're prepared. Ask for feedback more regularly. No surprises. I hate surprises. I want to know if I'm not doing well. I don't want to wait till the midterm comes back; I want to know beforehand. When a job feels lacking, how do I change it? Not 'how do I leave, gotta find something else, this isn't working for me, I hate this job.' 'Hey, this job: how do you make it work for you?' That's leadership. That's success. That's what success looks like: taking something that's not quite right and then figuring out how to make it better. So if it means maybe, 'You know what, I work with so-and-so and she's in marketing. I'm really interested in that; it seems more suitable. I'm more of a creative than I am an analytical mind. I think I'd like to try more of this. Is there any way I can make that happen? Can I attend the meetings with her? Can I work with her on a project?' Come up with ideas. Don't just say, 'It's not working for me.' Come up with ideas that can help your manager help you.

This is a big one for me: maintain your contacts. Your contacts are everything. Frankly, and hopefully your parents, your mentors, your teachers are also informing you of this. Probably at least once in your career, you will be able to ascribe a job lead and an opportunity to a friend, a family friend, a contact. That's the way it works. Contacts are priceless. So when you make one, keep that person in your Rolodex. Keep that person in your contacts. Tuck the phone number in, write a line or two in the notes field: 'This is how you met that person. I met them when I was interning at Nike. I met them at the Nike conference.' Then follow up six months later: 'Hey, I met you there. Just want to see how you're doing. Was really nice talking to you.' That's all you have to say. And then they come back with, 'Awesome, I just got a job at Apple.' Now you have a contact at Apple. See how that works? That's exactly how it works. The beauty of it is you don't have to ask for anything. You don't have to be afraid: 'I can't reach out; she's gonna think I need a job or an internship.' No, no, no. You don't have to ask for anything. That's the name of the game. Men do this all the time. It's networking. When they talk about networking, that's what they talk about: keeping that Rolodex fresh, making sure you know where these people are. You met her; you don't want to be best friends with them. You have your best friends. Don't assume that that's what networking is. You don't need more best friends; you have plenty. You just need contacts. That's what contacts are. They can be your mom's contacts, they can be your professors' contacts, they can be my contacts. Just maintain them, keep them fresh.

Your mistakes are opportunities. Are you leveraging them? So you screwed up. You missed a deadline, you made a huge mistake, you blew it. Now what? Now you might have learned from it, but how do you leverage that mistake? You have to start telling people about it. You have to own it. So it's not enough that you learn from the mistake; share it as part of your narrative. When you meet with your professor or the person who will give you the internship or your job, and you have your catch-ups that you're regularly gonna have now, say, 'I just want to let you know about something that happened. I gave it a lot of thought and I realized this was the mistake, but this is how I'm gonna correct it going forward.' That's going to tell them that you've learned from it. It's not enough for you to know; you have to let them know that you've learned from it. Your resume is actually your story. How do you tell it? I get a lot of resumes from young people for internships for jobs all the time, and sometimes the resumes don't speak for themselves. Sometimes it's not very clear that someone even has an interest in entertainment or broadcast. So use that as an opportunity to tell your story. 'I worked my way through college. I actually didn't do any internships because I had two jobs. I'm the hardest worker you're going to meet.' Use that as part of your story. I tell the story for me. Don't let me assume. As part of your cover letter: 'This is who I am; this is what my resume tells you about me.'

We're gonna wrap it up because I'm going long, because I'm known to do it. It's okay. Screw up—we talked about that. I asked for help. What's wrong with playing to your strengths? Oh my gosh, women get this all the time: 'Challenge yourself, try something new.' You don't have to do that. If your strength is on the creative side, stick with that. I hate being told that I'm not a math person and should take math. No, I'm playing to win, not my strength. Just keep that. Over their failures make for better stories than wins. It's true. You're always telling a story. Don't let other people tell your story for you. You tell your story. 'I did this last year; I killed it, I slayed it, and now I'm gonna do this.' You tell your story. Don't let your resume tell a story.

So here's my takeaways for you. This is all well and good, but how you gonna use it? How you gonna execute against it? Easy way to get practice with communication skills: invite your professor out to lunch, and be sure to invite your friends. Now you're on the hook; pay for it. It's okay. Pay the $50 for lunch at Obon Pan or whatever. You're gonna have to lead the conversation. You're the one that has to fill the lulls when it gets awkward and silent. Those are communication skills. Even with your first job offer, ask for more. We spoke about that. Again, don't go off the range. If you have a $35,000 job offer, don't ask for another $35,000 unless you know for a fact that that's the starting salary for the job you're after. Otherwise, a couple grand. Try it. Feel it. Feel what success feels like. Invest in key wardrobe pieces; they will not fail you. I'm an Ann Taylor girl. Go in there, ask for the help. Go to the salesperson: 'Can you just get me the whole outfit? All of it, the whole thing.' Those are your wardrobe pieces. Pay attention to what everyone else in the room looks like. You never want to be the outlier, especially when you're just starting out. If it's a very conservative culture, if you're working at JP Morgan or Goldman Sachs, you don't want to be the one in the Air Force jumpsuit. Offer to bring someone to coffee at the office for someone you admire. If there's someone you want to talk to, if there's an informational interview, don't say, 'Hey, can I take you for an informational interview?' No, no, no. You make it as easy as possible: 'Hey, I really love what you're doing. I really admire your career. I have so many questions. Can I bring you a cup of coffee? 15 minutes, that's all I need.' Who turns down 15 minutes? Nobody. '15 minutes, it's all I need. I'll bring the coffee.' That job you're not qualified for? Apply for it anyway. Just do it. Put your phone away during meetings. Ask for an informal review every few months. Attend conferences—as many of these as you can do. And when this room breaks up—you've been to these before, there's always a few hangers-on that end up speaking to the people like me—you're gonna make that your business. You're gonna ask for a card. I didn't bring any with me, sorry, I forgot. But ask for my email and follow up with me. And even if I ignore you, follow up with me two months after that: 'Met you at the Nike thing, loved you, you're awesome. Can I bring you coffee?' Now you have a friend at Lifetime Television. See how that works? Be nice. That's my takeaway as we wrap this up. Be nice. People remember when you're not nice. I can tell you right now in my office, the ones who aren't nice—they're young, they don't know—this is a small town. I'll remember. People remember. Be nice. Smile. I mean, actually, don't smile. I hate being told to smile. Just be kind. Be nice. Be generous. It's okay. Anyway, thank you very much. Hope this was helpful.