Train your brain to be resilient |Episode 214|Conversations with Rakesh|

So don't give up on the bitter gourd of your life. And I want all of you to read that book as well. And they have a mission you need to be aware of boredom. You need to be aware of the quitting reflex. You need to be aware.

Namaskar, welcome to Conversation with Rakesh. I did a video on how anxiety just, you know, doesn't let us do anything and we keep postponing, and it went all over the place. And I got some amazing comments and also questions. So on that anxiety video, there was a very nice question, a follow-up question, and the question comes from Siddhesh Prabhu Gavankar. Very nice, Siddhesh ji. Thank you for your question. I will take this up. And the question says: 'A follow-up question: How can I practice being resilient and be able to navigate through tough times, crisis, and conflict?' Very, very nice question, in fact very nuanced question. Now, Siddhesh ji, and all of you, please remember: if you just go to ChatGPT and all of that, you'll get millions of resources. I always feel that we should understand what is happening. If you understand what is happening, how to apply it is relatively straightforward. You know, resilience. If you look at the good old motivational self-help talks, which are very important—I believe in them—but nowadays it's become a bit too much, and we don't realize that we don't acknowledge the reality. You know, when someone is not able to cope and they are not able to do it properly, they give up. So telling them 'Resilience is victory over fear'—this won't work. This was there in 'The Family Man'—'Don't be a minimum guy' is a wakeup call to all of us that all this leadership coaching that's going on—stay away from it. People are suffering. Help them. And if you can help them realize why they are suffering, there is some acknowledgment that their suffering is real, and they will figure out a path forward. That is the way. Giving up and keep going is resilience, perseverance. And it's a very important skill for the 21st century. In fact, it is now one of the must-have skills for the jobs of the future. Without resilience, we cannot move forward. Now, why is it that we are not resilient? We know this: 'Don't take shortcuts.' Our grandmothers used to say, 'Always take the long road.' Robert Frost's poem, all of that—'The Road Less Taken.' The question is, why don't we do it? And the problem is, again, this brain muscle of ours, which has serious problems. And there are shortcuts, and there are some problems, and the brain reacts. It's a proper scientific issue. So let me give you two or three points that I feel I learned after taking a question. I did some research. First problem: there is a paradox. What is the paradox? That we want growth, but we don't want to work. It's a paradox: 'Give me success as soon as possible, but I won't work hard.' It's a serious problem. They call it the 'growth paradox.' So remember, there is a paradox in our mind, and social media is not helping because on social media, there will be—nowadays a very nonsensical video appears—I don't know why it appears to me. 'I got a job at 72 lakhs per annum through ChatGPT.' I'm like, 'My God, this is first of all untruthful, less, completely, and you can't fool the world with this.' But these videos are running—39 lakhs, 72 lakhs, 55 lakhs. One video says, 'I didn't even have a degree; I got a job at 55 lakhs, and the person says I'll get you one too.' Now, which person wouldn't want that kind of thing? So please be careful. All kinds of things are happening. So social media makes us feel that without any effort, 72 lakhs per annum. What that video doesn't tell you is that the person who got the 72 lakhs must have worked very hard to get there. I mean, the world is not stupid. So that is what we need to understand: the growth paradox—'I don't want to work hard, but I want 72 lakhs per annum.' The second is a very interesting principle that I found. It's called the 'quitting reflex.' What is a quitting reflex? In the brain, again, when we are afraid, when there is anxiety, which I talked about in that video, signals danger. So the brain reacts in a certain way. Now, let's go nuanced. In your question, you are doing something—let's say you are doing some very tough project. You keep doing it, but results are not coming. Failure, you know. Time is passing. You are frustrated. And the best way to understand frustration is: you are in grave discomfort. Body is tired, mind is tired. I mean, it's not easy to do the same thing again and again and again. Maybe signals are coming in the body that 'boss, I am not comfortable.' And the mind is also tired, not comfortable. So there is a point in the brain where the brain thinks that this discomfort and this pain is equal to danger. So that part of the brain signals this as danger, and the danger suddenly takes the mind in a different direction, which is 'leave it.' And we go into a zone where we leave it and we find a shortcut, and we kind of get it done through some means. And that is because of that shortcut. The work gets done, the brain gets dopamine: 'Oh, the work is done. Let's move on.' That is bad. So remember these two things: one is a growth paradox and the second is a quitting reflex. The root cause is very simple: your brain is not used to handling discomfort and frustration. Print out these two words and paste them on yourself, Siddhesh ji and everybody. If you want to become resilient, you have to become good at these two words: 'I have to deal with frustration better. I have to deal with discomfort better.' If you do these two, I think your path is forward. So now let me tell you some very interesting other points that may help you, which I have written here. So there is an industry that is built on making people comfortable with discomfort, pain, and frustration: the entire arts industry. You know, there are... and my wife is a Kathak dancer, and she teaches hundreds of students. And it is not easy—you know, wearing the ghungroo and you have to dance, and sometimes in the summer, it is not comfortable for a child. But when they go through this intense performing arts program, they learn. They become very different people, and it's better for them. So the performing arts industry—if you look at ballet, they make you wear these shoes, and then you have to stand in a particular way. It's a debate whether it's a good idea or a bad idea. All that is immaterial. I'm saying just the process. Then there are... you know, defense forces—the entire thing is built on a training program which is not fun. You don't sit in an air-conditioned room and do strategic thinking. They have to be on the field and dodge bullets. So physical training. So the entire forces force discomfort, but there is a process for that. They have written a great book, and I want all of you to read that book as well. And they have a mission: to bring play into school curricula, and it's a very good initiative that they are doing. Why is it important? First, it's good for health. Plus resilience and perseverance. So sports, defense forces, performing arts are three industries that really help people go through discomfort and frustration because it helps in resilience. And then, one last word—and I have also done a video and written a blog on this—we will put it in the notes. The word is: we are not comfortable with boredom. We are afraid of boredom. 'I have to do something.' And when we are bored, this great human—this great device comes in, and those reels—'Ahaha, how interesting!' Those food channels come, laughter comes, and we get sucked into it. It's dopamine. Remember, we are bored. Very uncomfortable, very discomforting. The mind is like, 'Boss, I have to do something, I have to do something.' 'Let's watch some reels.' Dopamine. Four hours gone, and then we feel bad. So remember, the request I have is: get used to boredom. It is okay to get bored. In fact, I tell all my friends who are parents: don't find a way to make your children—stimulating—good boredom is important. So don't just give them a phone and some activity and fill their life. Including you, boredom is good. Go to an airport and sit and do nothing. It's hard, but it will train your brain to go through discomfort. You will be a lot more resilient in the long run. And it's okay. Books—why do we leave books? It's boring at times, right? And we just give up and we don't want to go through that discomforting process of sitting and reading a book. Sometimes it's difficult. We don't want to go to a gym. Sleeping is easy, going to the gym is difficult. Same problem. So remember, we postpone and we don't do things just because of this word. So remember, I'll give you tips: make sure that every day you put a slot called 'boredom slot'—that I will be bored for 30 minutes, I won't do anything. The brain gets trained on that discomfort process. Number two: whenever you are going through a project and you are feeling discomfort, keep going. This is the time that the reflex will come, which is called the quitting reflex. If you let that happen, you go into a different path. You will quit and you will end up in procrastination and depression. But if you keep moving, dealing with that discomfort and frustration, you will move forward. And the last is: finish what you have started. You can do that. It takes 20 hours for that cycle to break. So remember, 20 hours—that's twenty hours—and I didn't make this up. There is a scientific number that it takes 20 hours for us to get to a certain learning level, and once you get to that learning level, then you move forward. The problem is the quitting happens in the first few minutes to a few hours. So let me summarize: how do you become more resilient? The answer is: you need to be aware of boredom, the quitting reflex. You need to be aware of the growth paradox. In the mind, there is a point where, if we are feeling discomfort and if we are feeling frustrated, the brain thinks we are in danger, and the danger will then take us to the path of anxiety. Postpone, leave. The reward for quitting is dopamine: 'Oh, okay, it's done. I took a shortcut. Copy-paste from ChatGPT, it's done.' But no, this is wrong. So how do you become more resilient? Learn from the sports industry, learn from the performing arts, learn from the scientific industry and defense forces. You have to go through that process. No other shortcut. Get comfortable with boredom, get comfortable with struggle and frustration, and finish the damn thing. If you can do this, you will become a lot more resilient, you will be a lot more persevering, and you will be able to handle conflicts, crises, and any project better. And on that note, if you are a person who is into food, I think we all know that bitter gourd is there. So everyone says they will eat it last, which is my philosophy: 'I don't like it, but...' I have a very good friend who says first eat the bitter gourd, because if you do difficult things first... And you know, in the lab, when you work, blood comes from your hands. The more you do it first, the better the result later, and the less struggle you will have. And on that note, stay safe.