Relationship Advice from Tim Ferriss and Kevin Rose

Well, I would say at first I was curious: are there any new tech plays that I can get into here, like these talk spaces and some of these other things that are out there? And I find that those are really kind of lightweight, not really meant for couples. It was just like text therapists, and I was like, 'I don't need this.' So I found someone that I could actually meet with over a secure Zoom-type connection, a real licensed therapist—not that they aren't on that—but a dedicated person to you that's going to give you a full hour, not texting back and forth. I would say I have another buddy that did the same thing and he had to get to a second therapist to find the right one. So it's not like just because you find one and you go and you're like, 'Oh, this isn't what I expected,' it doesn't mean the idea of the practice is wrong; you might just not have the right person. We found a fantastic woman who is really good at driving me back to the source of why I am feeling this way and opening up the lines of communication, to let us and remind us that we're both on the same team, we both want what's best for each other and to support each other and help each other because we're coming from a loving place. But sometimes we get caught up in other things and other loops and cycles and scorekeeping. I'm a big scorekeeper because I've always avoided confrontation. My dad was a very verbally aggressive, abusive guy to my mom—and had many, many good traits, I always like to say that about my dad because he did—but definitely not teaching me on the relationship side. Fantastic father, horrible husband. Confusing for me as hell as a kid. I tend to avoid confrontation and then just keep track of things, and then I get upset and I have all these things that come out. So just trying to address things in more real time has been a big help for me. There's been a ton of little things that I picked up. Anyway, I just wanted to tell people out there: if you're going through rough times because I hear divorce rates are through the roof right now, it's like the courts are backlogged; it doesn't mean necessarily you found the wrong person; you might just need a little help, and that's okay.

We owe my girlfriend for all of these because certainly I didn't come up with these on my own. She is very conscientious about how she uses wording and language. You would expect that I would have that as a writer, but when I get upset, I tend to throw haymakers—not literally, but I'm less careful with my wording, and it usually escalates or damages things more than it helps. I'm not a yeller, I never yell, but I can be very blunt. The wording that she used, and I noted it and have also used, is really simple: 'The story I am making up in my head is... and then you have, you know, the dishes are left in the sink because you expect me to clean them up, and when I believe that thought, I feel X.' It disarms it quite a bit. It's not just being nice; it's being more effective because as soon as someone is put on the defense, it's game over. You're not going to get where you want to go. This is also something from non-violent communication—I think Marshall... I can't remember the last name, but you can find it if you search 'Marshall nonviolent communication.' There is an audio course that is quite good. You would think, as I did, that if we're constantly both saying 'the story I'm making up in my head is,' it would be so formulaic that it wouldn't work, but I have not found that to be the case. It continues to be really helpful, even if it is true that it is a story you're making up in your head. Having someone who can create a neutral safe space where each person can get whatever they need to get off their chest is a huge service so that it doesn't bottle up and then explode into a 20-exhibit assault on someone which they can't easily recover from. That can force people to throw their hands up and feel like they can't win. During COVID, my girlfriend and I have both felt that way at different points. It's much more likely to happen when it's bottled up and given out as a massive dosage of 10 or 20 things instead of on a weekly basis having someone say, 'Well, Tim, is there anything else on your mind or anything on your heart that you are withholding right now?' Then I'm responding to a question as opposed to snapping over something stupid and letting all this stuff fly out of my face.

And there are different formats for it. Some of it I found very clunky, some of it I've found, depending on the facilitator, quite helpful for couples. And that is Imago therapy—Imago. People can look it up and very quickly decide whether it's helpful or not. But it does help you to convey in a non-violent, non-aggressive way some of the parts work that you're referring to, which certainly for my girlfriend and I was very impactful.