So to invert that question that I asked at the top of this, if I am to come to you at some point in the future, James, and I say, "Listen, I need a divorce," what am I likely to give as the reason for that based on, you know, who I am and how that correlates to the clients like me that you deal with?
Yeah. So the reason you're going to give and the underlying reason is different. So the reason you're going to give is going to be a practical reason, which is either I've met someone else, she's met someone else, we've had a terrible fight and I've said things that we can't take back. I had a spectacular failure financially and she's just bailing on me because she sees that the future's really rocky, or she made some terrible decision and did something awful that's a betrayal that I can't abide by. But again, that's the presenting reason.
Underneath that is the bigger reason, which is we lost the plot. We lost the plot. Like that's the start of a chapter in a story. It's the end of a chapter and the start of a chapter. That photo, like the first chapter in that story, was this person and this person wandering around on the same planet trying to figure it out, trying to figure out what they're doing. And they have their origin story and they have their, you know, their complementary pathologies that developed over time and then, you know, they found each other. Eight billion people in the world and somehow their paths intersected, you know, and they started to have this connection. And so there was the you and there was the me and then there was the we and that Venn diagram started, right? And then you start to fill it with things. You fill it with people. You fill it with experiences.
And this is just a stop along the way. Like these two people, this is just a moment. It's an incredible moment. It can be like a kairos. It can be like a moment that there was this and then everything after this. It's a punctuation mark. Like I like to say that life has punctuation marks. Like you had a kid, you lost your job, you got a job, whatever. Those are punctuation marks. This is a big punctuation mark. And it will either be, you know, the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning. You get to write that. You get to write that chapter. But this is a moment for me. The reason why this is a beautiful moment is this is a moment of tremendous optimism. This is a moment where the two of you said, "You're my favorite person and I want to write this next chapter with you as having a different title in it." But really, like the title's just a symbol. The ring is just a symbol. It's just a symbol of a commitment. It's a symbol of a promise. And all a promise is is a symbol of intention. That's all. It's just an intention. Our intention is we're not going to be alone anymore. We're going to do this together. And by the way, you're already not alone. The fact that you got to this place that you would ask this question, that's a beautiful confirmation of the fact that you don't feel alone.
We would have lost the plot.
Yeah. Yeah. You would have lost the plot of the story. So this is a story. Where does this story go? Where do you want it to go? You want it to go to a future that features the two of you old together someday. Maybe it features children. Maybe it features companion animals.
And what is the most likely reason that we would lose the plot?
You stop paying attention.
You stop doing what you currently do.
How did you get to this beautiful moment? You start doing the opposite. You got to this moment by paying attention. You got to this moment by making this a priority. You got to this moment by keeping this front of mind. By valuing what is this but a symbol of you are valuable to me. Why did you get on one knee? Why do you get on one knee? I mean, think about the symbols of all of this. We live in a world of symbols. Like the outfit I'm wearing, I'm saying something to you. I take this seriously. That's why you wear a suit. You wear a suit to say I take this seriously. So why did you do this? What is this as simple as I'm down on one knee? Why? I'm humbling myself in front of you. I'm offering something to you. I'm hoping you will accept the gift I am giving to you. Like there's something very lovely about that symbol.
Is this what you call slippage?
Slippage is exactly when you start to unintentionally... again, people rarely have slippage intentionally. It's usually that, okay, we got that knocked out. Now we can focus on the other stuff. And that's slippage. Slippage is these small disconnections. Small disconnections that in of themselves mean nothing. Like no single raindrop's responsible for the flood. That little raindrop, it's just a little raindrop. That's all it really is. But slippage is this gradually increasing number of small disconnections that eventually leads to the giant marriage killer that you come in and say, "Here's why we're getting divorced." But it wasn't that. It was all these little pieces, but at some point you were there.
Do you think people spot the slippage in the moment, but they don't think it's big enough to fight about or do something about?
100%. And that's the cognitive bias. That's the fallacy that will keep me in business for the rest of my life because people just don't want temporary discomfort. Like our desire for joy versus our aversion to pain, our aversion to pain will win every single time. We know this. That's why there was an opiate crisis more so than a cocaine crisis. Because one of those things is about making you feel really good and the other is about getting rid of pain. Like the human desire, any scientist will tell you this, ask our friend Andrew Huberman, ask anybody, they will tell you the human desire to escape pain is the controlling aspect of self. So escaping pain, even discomfort, and again this is pushed by the narrative that love should be easy. If anything's uncomfortable about it, you must be doing it wrong. Maybe you're not with your soulmate. You know, it would be so easy and effortless. You'd always know what the other person wanted. You'd never have to tell them. They would know. They would know you well enough to know what it is that you need. And they would get you. Even though, by the way, really, really, like I'm 53 years old. I've been in therapy for 20 years. I get like 70% of this guy, I think, like at best. Like, and I'm in here. I'm in here and I get about 70% of this guy. Like, and I'm supposed to get you 100% because we're exchanging bodily fluids. Like, I'm supposed to just because we've slept in the same bed, I'm supposed to get you 100% and get ahead of stuff. Like, I get me 70%. And that's with a lot of reflection. So I really think that it's wildly unfair for us to think that, you know, this should be effortless, this should be easy, and that it should never be uncomfortable.
It's okay to be like... I think because of what I do for a living, I have to tell people things they don't want to hear all day because it's true. And I tell them what they need to hear and not what they want to hear. And you know, when clients say to me at the end of a consultation or conversation like, "Oh my god, I feel so much better," I always go, "That's great. That wasn't my intention." Because I don't want anyone I talk to professionally to think I am telling you something to make you feel better. I'm not here to make you feel better. I'm not a therapist. I'm here to tell you the truth. And if the truth makes you feel better, great. If the truth makes you uncomfortable, at least you know the truth now. So I feel like in relationship again, if what you want most is lasting lifelong connection where we get each other as best we can, we can help each other navigate self and each other as best we can and we cannot lose the plot of a story that is really beautiful right now.
So everybody listening can probably think about something in their relationship which has gotten a little bit worse since they first got into that relationship. And it could be the way that they argue is getting a little bit worse. They're not listening as much.
Maybe the voice, the tone has gone up or it's getting a little bit more angry.
Whatever it is in their relationship, what do they need to do now? It's like it's not flooded yet.
